Dismal December

 That title describes somewhat my feelings about December.  It has all the non-stop business that is hard--hard because of all the requirements exacted of me.  I have these thoughts that I'm supposed to be doing this or that or that I have to do this and that.  And it is a perpetual weight on me of things to do.  How do I get myself out of this way of thinking of feeling responsible.  Why do I take it on.  The Christmas cards, the decorating, the gift buying (the perfect gifts).......So yeah it becomes a holiday that I really don't like.  Like these things are forced on me to perform.  I really want to step off the treadmill.  The question is why do I do these things anyway--am I a people pleaser?  Maybe that is the reason.  And I rely on other people to feel happy or good about myself.  If I do these things, people will be happy and then I will be happy?  That is a sorry reason to be doing things.  Why should I be doing all these things in this month?  To make other people happy.  And that should be enough.  But maybe it should be , That I make myself happy too in the process.  Find the things that would make me happy.  Do some self care--find some enjoyments for the sake of my enjoyment.  I have actually sat down and just watched some movies the last 2 days.  Mindless entertainment as a way of checking out of the busyiness.  Maybe as I just do things for me each day--doing some self care--forcing myself to do self care-- that would bring some light into my life and more joy.  That would light up the world, because I would be more happy.  And that is what I want.   Not to feel happy because someone else is happy, therefore I can be allowed to be happy.  No.  Take the time to do just do something for me.  And be ok that it doesn't necessarily produce a result outside of myself.  The result would me being at peace and content hopefully.  I will have to give it more of a try.  In fact it is mandatory right now as my sleep patterns are terrible.  I awake and stay awake a good part of the night--like now.  

So how do I do self care?