Ongoing Adjustments--still transitioning

So life always seems to go on.  I am adjusting and as these past 2 months have gone by, and I look back, I can see that I am evolving.  I am trying to remake myself and figure out what I am without children around.  Oh yes, they are still around, but not here in my home, and for whatever reason, that is the deal.  What is my purpose if it isn't to be a mother.  And yes, I still act as a mother when the children come around and when I go to see them, but it is now different not actively having them in my home.
I do work around my home with up keep and beautifying, but always with the question?  Why?  Isn't a home suppose to be for a family with children.  What is the purpose if it is just for Doug and I?  They are busy making homes for themselves, and now even in far off places.  Leaves me feeling desolate.  I turn always to God and that is my only source for strength.  I do also use the life coach podcasts to help make sense of life.  I mean how do you describe this state?  Lost mostly, wandering, unsure?  I had an impression to go forward with the kitchen remodel.  I don't have answers to why I would undertake that big of a change--but as I have acted on it--checked out monies available from the C.U. for instance--found that that is a way to secure funds.  Ok.  Then how to proceed forward in dejunking --take pictures off wall.  And go forward.  And I guess that is the answer.  Just take a step forward doing something.  Even when you don't know what is beyond.  Very scary--to leave children behind in my life and go forward with my life.  I know depression is all apart of this.  But I find the simple things to do and be happy.  I made a purse yesterday.  Took Holly's purse as my example of what I would like--then went searching for a pattern.  Found one of sorts on Pinterest--then fashioned it out of material--and then cut out the material, and sewed it.  Went and bought some webbing and metal rings.  I even like it quite a bit so far.  Will be test driving it now and will determine if I really do like it even though I know some modifications I would make.

I was reading a journal entry I posted on Tuesday June 25, 1019--It reads:  " I need to write of my experience today.  Read in Isaiah --it was my clue to solving my problem.  We will all grow old and die.  We are experiencing the pains of mortality. That will all pass as well.  change is part of mortality.  But what Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have promised --given us--eternal life that will not change--a forever of happiness.  It is just an idea now, but it will be our reality then--after this life, after this mortality.  It is all about faith right now.  Continue to believe that, that is true--will be true. The mortality part, real part now, will end, but the faith will become what is tangible and real after this life.  So my mission right now is to be a shower of faith.  To be a believer in this whole thing and to show others that its about faith, and not about what we see, feel, sense around us (mortality).  Its about what God has promised in the future.  So my purpose is to show the world--to be a believer in Jesus Christ.  I have a purpose to show the world that Jesus Christ and his purposes are true and real. I can do that and be happy and fulfilled ..."

So to keep my anxiety beat down while I am doing my life purpose--listening to the promptings of the spirit--to tell me what to do next.  That is what I can become good at.  The Lord will use me as I become more still.  Because then is when I will feel the spirit telling me what to do.

August 12, 2019   My ongoing writing--So I was awaken at 3:00 with my shoulder pain and rather than lay in bed and suffer, I thought I might as well get up and write.  I went to the internet and found an article on change.  Because this is what it is all about.  Change.  Perpetual change.  It gets to be a pain dealing with the constant change.  But it is what this life is all about.  Anyway it gave some good insight to the process. And the 3 phases:  Endings, the neutral zone, and beginnings.  If there is to be a new beginning then there has to first be an ending.  But we need to acknowledge what has ended.  Here I am in that phase still.  Trying to acknowledge and let go of what was my life as a full time/part time mother.  I have to acknowledge that it was good, and there are losses, even identify them and observe what they were.  Kind of like an observer of my life--step back and look at it analytically.  Can I move on after I've done this or stay locked in a time warp.  Where am I happiest? Change is in the circumstance.  Transition is the internal shift that we make in response to that change.  Let go of how things used to be and adjust ourselves to the way things are now. 

 I have been over to Jamar Wilson's absorbing her wisdom.  she has offered me some good help.  She seems to be one that can be content in her circumstance--yet I know she has her own struggles.  I know I need to get a life coach too. They are prolific now a days, and I think that is a good thing.  But I tend to be private only wanting to share myself with a few.  But if I could afford it I would be on board with one right now as a way to help me through this change of life.  My adrenal glands will be what they will be--trying to help them, but boy my body is all over the place.  They create a sadness in everything at times. I just want to be happy again and enjoy my life whatever the way it is.  So that is what I am working at.  We each get to navigate life on our own--that seems to be such a lonely thing at times--because we have to figure it out for ourselves what works.  That isn't all true though, because of Jesus Christ.  He is there--our anchor and our rock.  Thank goodness, otherwise we would be trying to clip onto anything that sounds good at the time.  We need Jesus Christ and his gospel and the Spirit to direct us.  But it does help a lot to know that everyone is going through change. That we all hate it, and it gets messy at times.  But we can adapt and begin anew--its called progression.  I have to remember that we signed up to progress with Heavenly Father's plan.  It will be ok.  I just know that God is in charge.  I love him and trying to stay close to him.  I have children that are trying to stay close to him and that makes it all ok.