Feeling Loved

 

So this morning, after we had had some scripture reading, reading in the conference address while Doug ate his breakfast, then sending him out the door for work--I had time to ponder a bit as I was mulling around the kitchen. (The scripture reading, and conference address had set me up to receive some revelation for myself I think) The thought was how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father. This was a continuation of the thought I had while working in the temple Saturday night. I had the chance to visit with one of the new temple presidency while at a post in my service. She was saying she was kind of sad to see so few at the temple. I responded by saying, how I thought that Heavenly Father would keep these temples opened and manned and operating--at no matter what cost, for even 1 patron who would come. That thought was a revelation to me, as I am often looking at what isn't perfect (low attendance in the temples) rather than what is right. I was happy to think that God, in His love for us, is so pleased when we do things that will make us better and happier.  That he has not just provided this whole earth for us and all his children, but for each individuall as well. It is easy for me to think in terms of vast numbers, but not easy to see that He would have done all of this for just one of his children too. Standing there in the temple I had occasion to ponder that thought further, and that same thought continued through Sunday and into this morning. I matter to God. He would have provided a Temple just for me alone. He would have provided a world for just me alone (would have been a very lonely existence--so I think He would have come up with another plan). (Makes you think about the 1/3 who didn't qualify to come to earth). It's hard for me to separate myself from others as being loveable. Maybe that came from being a middle child of 9 children. By the time I came along--#6 and 4th girl, it was just another girl child--nothing special. I didn't get any too special attention (which was healthy too--kept me more unspoiled)--but I guess I grew up with that in mind, that what I did, said, etc was nothing special, I was just part of the numbers of a large family. Maybe the way we fit into our family and see our parents is how we picture Heavenly Father and how He sees us. I'm sure that's right to a certain extent. Anyway, I have always been amazed whenever my siblings would ask me my opinion--why would they even care?? Apparently I picked that up in a big way.  I guess that has tainted my soul all these years. Do I really matter to anyone--how does God separate us out of the masses of His children? I just assumed I was just a number to him. And then this thought came.  He would have that Temple open just for me. That thought alone has helped me get rid of my incorrect paradigm/view of God and Me.  I know that it is so important that we each feel loved by God for just us--not a group--but just as an individual. So as I put that into the context of my world, I think I am going to be feeling more loved--the Love that God has always been trying to show me, but I have been incapable of totally feeling by blocking it by my reverse prejudice of myself. A feeling of being special just for who I am--not the group, or family or ward family, or whatever group we are part of. Just Me.