CHOICE AND BEING HUMAN

                                                                                          

I happened to be reading a blog posted through Deseret News. In it the woman talked about her postnatal depression she had experienced. This blog was in turn linked to other blogs, where the same topic was discussed, plus in reading all the comments, it was amazing to me how women now a days are dealing with this issue. I guess I am not too shocked by it, since in my past exercise class a lot of the women talked openly about how they use antidepressants--treating it like it was just like drinking orange juice or something. I woke this morning thinking about this again, and determined that I should go place a comment on one of these blogs. Try as I could--I could not go back and find this particular blog that would be the perfect forum to give an alternative view. So--I guess this is in way of me expressing an opinion-- here--who knows--maybe someone who needs to read this will eventually see this.

Our family in 1975--baby Angie

In 1975 I gave birth to our 3rd child--a beautiful little girl. (Love you Angie). Within 2 weeks I found myself in a state of depression and figured out that this must be what they called postpartnum depression. It was unlike anything I had ever known. I am normally a pretty cheerful, upbeat person--but I soon found myself wanting to sit in a corner all day, no interest in anything around me (including my baby daughter), insomnia, crying for no reason--the world seemed pretty black. I did get to a doctor who gave me a drug--I think Tofranil--but went off it really quick due to the extreme hives I experienced. I resigned myself to my fate--you don't even have enough initiative to try to fix yourself. Thanks goodness for a patient and loving husband and kids that managed with a wife and mother who had basically checked out. I am very thankful that this was relatively short lived too. By 3 months things suddenly changed--a first period after birth. Things improved even though I had periods of down times throughout that year. I determined that I would do whatever I could to prevent this happening in the future, so I started talking and asking women, and did some reading. (Keep in mind this is all pre-internet days) When I become pregnant with our 4th child , I really watched my nutrition and took extra nutritional supplements. Another little beautiful daughter (love you Kay) joined our family and I had no signs of depressions neither then nor when our other children were born. I was very grateful.

                                                           Tillman as the baby--Mike and Angie and family

Now fast forward to 2004. Angie was having health issues with Tillman, her little son, and could not figure out what to do. She asked me, and since I am always into alternative health methods, told her about Jolene Houtz. She is a lady that uses some of these methods and has a special gift in discerning what the problem really is. Well, we went to see Jolene. She told us right off that Tillman didn't have the problem, that the mother did (and in turn her mother--it passes on for generations) She would treat Angie to solve Tillman's problem. With me sitting there holding Tillman, Jolene honed in on the point in Angie's life where she had been neglected during my postnatal depression. I explained that time in my life to Jolene and how I was the VICTIM of Postnatal Depression, and she looked at me and said, "You Chose to be Depressed". I was stunned by that. I Chose?? I also immediately knew that what she said was true. I had chosen to look at my situation, a 3rd child, overwhelmed with life, etc. in a wrong way. One that would lead me to feel I was being mistreated someway by life. Somewhere around the time Angie was born, I "allowed" my thinking to be negative, to feel sorry for myself, or whatever--and the depression followed--a natural consequence of my thinking. I can't speak for everyone out there suffering from depression, but I can speak to my experience. But I also believe that all this depression out there isn't rocket science--that people are experiencing more of it due to pride and bad thinking--just like my deal. I can now see too that maybe some of these women, inspite of their wrong choices, need to have help with just coping till they can mature and come to realize for themselves--that it is a choice. The point is not to fool ourselves. Is that being too simplistic--maybe.

Fast forward again to 2 weekends ago. I was again feeling the stresses of life, babysitting 3 grandchildren, another baby on its way (See Beth's blog), neck pain from tense muscles causing headaches, etc. I was beginning to see myself as put upon. And just before I sunk into the depths of self pity, I got a little voice telling me--It's a choice, Ilean. You can look at it in a different way if you want to. You can learn to not go down that road--not like 35 years ago. And I did. Not perfectly, but better. I love that I am here on earth learning and growing from my experiences. I love Heavenly Father who is teaching me as I submit. I am always blessed--now just to recognize it more.

                                      New grandson, Finn P. Hoffman--a perfect little boy.  Isn't he the cutest thing.

So now a step further-- even when we make bad choices, its ok. It was ok for me to experience the consequence of a bad choice--it became a teaching opportunity for me, it also shows that life can't be perfect for we are just humans. I am human and I can't be perfect all the time. As much as I want to always be figuring out my life and not making any mistakes, I will still make mistakes. That is disconcerting to me who wants to always be seen as perfect and strong and right ( my 8 personality)--but these mistakes are what shows other people I am vulnerable and therefore like everyone else--human. And if this all serves to make us more humble and teachable and connected to others--then it is all ok. To be part of the human family and feel connected to each other is important. It is also about us allowing ourselves to turn toward God, seeking his grace and love and help. Mistakes will happen in spite of all the proactive preventive stuff we try to do.
Case in point:

                         THE CULPRIT

The washer did this to Doug's Temple suit.

Can you believe it! I was just cleaning Doug's suit in preparation for our Saturday temple service and this is what I get. I really do try to be on top of taking care of our appliances and a good housekeeper, etc.--but it happened anyway. The machine sprayed oil from a loose bearing or something--clothes ruined. And of course it couldn't be a cheap towel or something, it had to happen on the most expensive thing I could wash and even on temple clothes. How dare it!

So we repurchased a new suit for $150--and I found a used washer and dryer for another $150 and we are more or less back in business. I've said a prayer over this washer and dryer that we can get at least a few more years of good service from them. Interesting how you might think that with something special as temple clothes, the Lord would run interference--He didn't, and He probably shouldn't all the time--which puts things in the right perspective and keeps us down to earth. We are human and we do get to be spotted in spite of our best efforts.